Sorry I haven't been around much

I feel like I need to apologize for not writing lately; I've been preoccupied with job hunting.  It's not my most favourite thing to do and I have to admit, I've been feeling awfully down about the whole thing.  My apology though, is because I really didn't feel like sharing.

I'm not positive about what people like to read from me, though if I count plus ones, it's kid stuff. Since I wasn't able to separate the cloud of inadequacy, I wasn't interested in writing about kid stuff because as they say, "the cup runneth over".  You know how there are those times, when everything seems to be going wrong? Well that has been me, for about three weeks, and I hated to admit it.

Right at this moment, I feel as if I'm being pulled in so many directions and there is no working compass.  I want to be home more for the kids but I need to work. I went to school to gain opportunities but there are few opportunities in town that utilize my education and allow me to still be around.  There are plenty of opportunities in the city but that requires a commute and likely a decline in family happiness.  I went to school so I would never have to be a file clerk again and now I find myself looking at these jobs as an opportunity to be home at a decent hour- and it makes me want to scream.

So here I am, have been, frustrated over the aforementioned issues and adding to this what feels like absolute selfishness because I refuse to apply for the jobs that would allow me to be home at a decent hour but that I would definitely despise every minute of the day.  Now, I have a line on one job, in town, that requires my education and that I would excel at because it is something I have experience in and something I have a passion for - but it's covering a leave of absence and may be "three weeks or three months... or more".  I hope I get it anyway.

The problem is that I've never had this problem before- this intense desire to be at home.  I'm fighting with it.  I feel like if I have or pursue a career, I'm not being a good mom.  If I don't, my kids can't have extracurricular activities and I'm constantly out of money (and maybe not being a good mom?) - I feel torn.  

Add to all of this that my student loan payments are scheduled to end in 110 months or something like that and I'm like- I'll be fifty??? What the f-ing f was I thinking????!!! 

Um, and then hub found this in the freezer. It's wine. Frozen. It's a wine Popsicle.  I will just have to deal with one thing at a time. Wish me luck.