I'm No Psychologist, But...

While Ocean and Aaron are fairly social beings, Ethan is more comfortable being home.  Not that he doesn't like to be out with his friends, because he does, but he is less likely to seek outside entertainment.  We've played the "would you rather" game on occasion.  One thing that was incredibly insightful about going back to school when you already have children is how consistently and readily applicable psychology courses are.  Although it wasn't my major or minor, I wished I'd been able to fit in a few more.



 The "would you rather" game consists of asking someone to think about which choice they would make out of only two options.  This game is not only a good indicator of how that person will react to the given situation but also offers the opportunity to the person asking the question and the one answering,  to change the possible outcome. It also allows you to observe values that your children have or are creating for themselves. One particularly interesting conversation went like this:
     Me: Here's the situation: You have two choices.  There are a group of people who are willing to be your friends, sort of, but they don't treat you very well. Your options are that you either hang out with these people even though they don't seem to care what is best for you, or you have no friends at all. Would you be friends with people who didn't treat you well?    
     O: Hmm, I wouldn't have any other friends?
     E: I wouldn't be friends with them because I have a sister and two brothers at home.
     A: Same as Ethan.

Needless to say, Ocean's answer was most concerning.  Of course there are other factors at play in their answers.  First, Ocean has a step-sister but only sees her once a year and there's not much of a relationship present for the rest of the time; she only has brothers at home for peer companionship.  Second, we had recently moved so she had yet to meet anyone in the new school (which was why we were playing of course).  What I got from this conversation was a heads up. 

When I was still in school, things were a little hectic around the house (probably an understatement but we made it through).  When we moved, I was about to enter my fourth and final year.  I had lived a pretty wicked balancing act up until that point with family/work/school.  This discussion made me incredibly aware of how much Ocean was going to rely on me during what could be a difficult transition and I made sure I was available and that I asked questions. 



So many directions and choices



She had some rocky moments in the last year and sometimes she cried and just wanted to see her friends from home.  I had taken a social psychology course and one of the things we did was a community service project where we attempted to help children think about friendship values. I'd chosen this assignment so I could help my kids make good choices even though I didn't realize at the time I was going to need it so soon.  One thing we learned was that keeping up the connections with old friends would help.  We made sure we had phone numbers and addresses before we left and we are also able to visit because Grandma and Grandpa still live there which makes it easier.

I talked with Ocean every night before bed one on one.  We did that with all of the kids at dinner time ("table talk" assignment) and the one on one was for deeper discussion.  It could have been time consuming since I have four, but Hunter was little and Ethan and Aaron were not having troubles.   One night she told me that I always helped make her feel better.  That was not only amazing, it was a relief.  I made myself available to her when she needed it and it opened up communication between us. 

Today is the last day of school and Ocean is ending the year with a good friend.  It was a process of trial and error and putting herself out there but she was successful and I like to think I made the interim easier for her. Communication with our children is key.  The greatest obstacle I think I face as a parent of growing children is knowing how to help them with their daily dealings; if I don't know, I can't help.  The "would you rather" game and also the "what if" game (where a randomly chosen situation arises, without given answers and everyone, including me gets to tell how they would solve such a problem) are great ways to talk and learn about each other.  It is also a great way to ensure our values are truly being utilized by our children. Tune in at a later date for the discussion about internet porn.  I'm so not kidding.