Yesterday we bypassed the devastation in Southern Alberta with a dream of being in the sunshine and no risk of being swept away by flood waters. This escape was under the guise of partaking in a memorable get-together with friends in honour of my sister; the Stagette. Although we left with joy and anticipation of our weekend ahead, there is some lingering guilt which has yet to be addressed. Think of today’s segment as an attempt to atone for sins.
Well that probably makes it sound like this will be a juicy little piece, but allow me to dissuade you of that thought. I feel bad about leaving. Of course, we left at a time when the police were asking people to stay away from Southern Alberta. Stay off the roads and away from the affected areas; stay safe. That should help with the guilt but this is the first weekend I have “booked off” – ever. Should I have stayed to try to help? The kids were all taken care of. I could have spent the weekend in some sort of volunteer position trying to do my part.
Even as I write this, there is a little voice inside my head that screams “are you F-ing kidding me?!” I tend to listen to that voice – sometimes. It always pipes up when I am second-guessing myself; my conscience. It has the ferocity of my mother, the concern of Nana, the logic of my sister, and my own sometimes doubt-ridden inner voice. This is how I think about decisions I’ve made. Perhaps if I could find this voice prior to making decisions I would be better equipped to deal with it.
There is probably less guilt about leaving as there is wondering if I shouldn’t be enjoying myself. We stayed up until two. We had drinks, we laughed, we hung out and enjoyed one another’s company. When the front desk agent asked about the situation in Calgary we affirmed it was awful. The giant screen TV at the pub showed updates of the water-logged city. Reminders were everywhere. I think the worst part of this is that I know one person can make a difference. And I feel bad that I’m not doing anything. However I would also feel bad if I had told my sister that I could not partake in her event as well – but probably not as much. Why is that?
Is it my soci(ological) conscience? Doing for others is a greater gift than doing for those you love? Well that seems silly. Is it because a weekend party seems trite in light of the events? Perhaps. Of course these things are not on the same level. People have lost homes. Literally, homes swept down a river. I would love to make myself feel better about this but I know that even if I was at home right now, I would be busy with other things. Saddened by the losses so many people have had and losses people are not even yet aware of, but I would be getting snacks or cleaning a toilet or trying to find something other than laundry to do.
Does it make me feel better to know that I wouldn’t be doing anything there either? Not really. But it is realistic. The point would be that if I wouldn’t feel guilty about not helping out while I was right there, then why should I feel guilty about being here? Well the answer is obvious – I shouldn’t. I am a thinker, not as much of a doer. This should not be a source of shame. In fact, there are other ways I will end up helping out. I will clean out the closets. People are going to be in need of everything including the kitchen sink. Those taking donations will be making their intentions clear over the coming days. I will pack it all up and bring some much needed items to help those families. There will be a need for children’s clothes and adult clothes of all sizes.
Maybe that is the real benefit of a guilty conscience. Making you think about what you can do. Now that I have discovered this, I know that it was all I could have done in the first place. But now I have a plan and it has assuaged my guilt. Just in time too. I have some girl time to get to. Everyone really can do something. We just have to realize how debilitating certain emotions are and accept that though not we cannot always do everything, there are always ways to do something. Get thinking.
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