Tooth Fairy Madness

I am ashamed to admit that the tooth fairy has been, upon occasion, a complete dumbass.  She wasn't a dumbass with the first teeth, never those ones, but with the subsequent ones - seriously, how many teeth do they have to lose anyway?! Not that the overabundance of lost teeth should really be the fairy's primary concern.


I only recall the tooth fairy being slightly slow on the uptake once when I was young.  Obviously it was such a traumatic experience that it stayed with me and so I am well aware of what my own children are in for.  I digress.  We were either staying with or living with Nana and I awoke from a fitful sleep only to discover that there had been no midnight exchange of money for the little bud of bone, skin and dried blood.  I lamented this as I walked into the kitchen and was told to head back to the room and check just one more time to be sure. 

Doing this only further destroyed my sense of tooth-worthiness as there was still no monetary reward under the pillow.  Back to the kitchen I went and as I grabbed my dish out of the cupboard, I was shocked to see that the fairy had cunningly left money right in my cereal bowl.  Thinking back on that, I'm pretty sure they (Mom and Nana) let me scoop the money out and poor my cereal and milk right on top of all the germs that had to have been left behind. Yu-Yu-Yummy!

This is not about my own crushed childhood beliefs though and I once said that I liked to make these blogs helpful for others so here it is: What you can say to your children if the tooth fairy turns out to be brain-dead when your children's teeth are falling out like mad: based on, as usual, actual events.

1: "The Tooth Fairy didn't like the way you packaged it."  This is especially helpful once word gets around at your kid's school about the incredibly amazing things she does at other kids' homes. My friend Sara's kids had the best stories.  The Tooth Fairy left fairy dust and a card and all this other stuff that she didn't seem to have at my house, and the tooth had to be left in a container of water.  Since the Fairy was remarkably out of fairy dust and forgot about two or three nights in a row, there was some massively creative story-telling going on.  Finally, she got her shit together and managed to exchange the tooth for some cash. I suck, I know.

2. "I bet she couldn't find it".  Who carries cash nowadays?? It's not like you can prep for a lost tooth! They come to you at 9pm after they should have been asleep for an hour or so and suddenly you're supposed to have change?  This was back in the day when I was at home by myself and Geoff was away working too so there was just no getting out to hit the bank machine.  I probably could have called on Grandma.  Guaranteed they would have kicked the Fairy into action so as not to disappoint the children but I just thought of it now and there's no going back.

3. "Maybe the Tooth Fairy was running low on funds." That gets you out of a missed visit.  "See, she left your tooth, so she must mean to come back for it." It's also a nice segue for the "how much do I get" part.  My nieces and nephew had been receiving bills around this time and when it's brought up at Grandma's Sunday dinner, you could choke. "She leaves me a $20!" And there you are with your mouth hanging open going holy crap Nicky!  Kidding - ish.  (I love you Nicky).  But beware, it happens.  And they do become marginally suspicious if they get five bucks in quarters; keep it simple, they like loonies and toonies or large bills :).

4. "Are you sure?? Maybe you should check again!" This one obviously depends on the layout of your house and whether they have the tooth on them at the time.  Hey, it worked for my Mom and I have miraculously managed it myself in a weird twist of memory fate.  Ethan mentioned that he'd forgotten to check before breakfast and I actually had the money.  I made my way in there and found the offending tooth, left money and also picked out his clothes.  It was magic.

5. Last but not least: "Are you sure it was under your pillow?" Yes, blaming the victim is wrong but sometimes you just have to dig yourself really deep, especially if you have no cash on you. 

And there you have it folks, if you're in a bind and find yourself scrambling at 6:30 am, you can't say I didn't try to help by being the worst parent ever.  The purpose of the Mom Evolution is that you learn from my mistakes.

first photo: imbd.com; second photo: attachedmoms.com; third photo: telegraph.co.uk;