What Is It I Do, Exactly?

That question was asked by Meg Ryan as Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail when she is afraid that her business, a bookstore, may be forced to close after a Fox Books Superstore opens nearby.  Once the inevitable closing takes place, Kathleen takes some sick days and some Ny-Quil like substance before she finally begins to consider what she will now do with her life.  A chapter has ended and another must begin.

So many stages of our lives are like this.  We are children then teens, then adults.  We are single, we are together, we are pregnant.  We have a baby, we have a toddler, we have a small child (possibly this stage gets stuck on repeat).  And then what?  We sit back and watch them grow?  Participating in their life moments until they determine the time is right for them to continue on their own? 

I only knew one absolute stay-at-home mom when I was growing up.  I'm sure she had many things to do but I remember my girlfriend telling me that her mom vacuumed every day.  I thought "Wow, that would suck!"  Perhaps there is some irony in the fact that I have to do this as well, but I have a toddler; my girlfriend was an only child and we were in our tweens at least.

I absolutely, never, ever, wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  I did it when Ocean and Ethan were little; changing diapers, feeding, playing, cleaning... I was excited to go back to work.  I loved working even when I wasn't exceptionally thrilled with my job.  I felt like I did a good job.  Parenting, for me, was consistently full of self-doubt and over-thinking.  I could have driven myself mad. 

Then I had Aaron and I became a stay-at-home mom again.  This time it wasn't so bad.  I could take Ocean and Ethan to playschool.  Then I could take them to school.  I also had some stay-at-home mom friends so there was coffee and play-dates.  That became kind of boring.  Then I decided I would go back to school.  The hours were pretty good and I still worked, during school hours, so it was great. 

Now I've graduated and I'm a stay-at-home mom again.  For the past four years I have been working for myself essentially.  I am affiliated with and accountable to an office and supervisors and management, but I accept jobs that I can take and work when I am able.  I don't have the slightest clue how I would deal with an office job or the like.  And I no longer want to. 

I am at a stage where one chapter (school, and my job at the end of August here) has ended and another must begin.  Even though I am absolutely positive that I want to be home much more than a full-time gig will allow, I'm still not interested in the yucky parts of staying at home (read: laundry, dishes, organizing, cleaning etc.).  Haha, I want to be a Dad!  Kidding, though I could use his excellent organizational abilities.  Right now though, I sure don't envy Geoff.  He told me back in the day "I don't care how long school takes just so long as you can find a job after." Yes.  Well...

I love to write.  I want to write.  I'm scared of the fact that my book may take three years to write.  Actually, anything more than three months is too long; Student Aid repayment is looming... I have a business name, a business plan and a website that is under construction.  So far the expense has been minimal but there are expenses I should maybe be incurring and just haven't yet because of the whole expense thing requiring income to pay them with.   

Maybe I will have to get a job ("maybe" haha, like it's optional or something!).  Maybe it won't take as long as I think to finish my first draft and if a publisher likes it, maybe they will give me an advance on my advance.  I'm not sure how that works.  I guarantee I will find out - eventually.  Even I realize that, yet again, I have a lot on my plate.  Maybe I was born to be in the circus.  I still have one of the best damn juggling acts around [and I've never dropped a kid ;)] So why not throw in some flaming batons?  This seems completely reasonable to me because this is what I do, exactly.

(picture credit; ahem; www.theworstmother.com )